Restlessness strikes our life from time to time. Our desires unmet, curiosity unsatiated, pain unmended, and weariness unended. There are times we attempt not to satisfy these things any longer because we have too oft been faced with disappointment. In these times, rather than working towards a goal, we linger far behind, and like trying to whitewash over a thing, we do not attempt more than to satisfy our craving for our truest life with other things. But the hunger never stops. The craving for life as we are meant to live it never leave our souls, because it is not a thing that can be separated -- it is within us, within our soul, a piece of our spirit. Our calling will not cease to call.
It is when we ignore our innermost self that it begins to cry the loudest. In this moment, we make the silliest mistakes, and act least like ourselves, and act out, until we are rudely wakened to that very realization.
I woke up recently. I had acted as unlike myself as possible, and felt disgusted. It was the sort of rude awakening in which I felt I had found myself in sludge instead of silk. I had to get out of that as quickly as possible. I realized I had ceased to be a lady -- even my pursuit to be a lady! I had allowed the inelegance of the charmless coffee shop at which I work to drain me of my elegance. I had allowed myself to slip into a lonely sadness, one so drained of energy that it sought attention or distraction where it would. My kindness began to fade, my gratitude embarrassing, and my self-control, lacking. And then came the unfortunate mistakes. Silly ones that I ought never have made. For these mistakes, I am deeply sorry. In my embarrassment I removed any element of distraction from my fingertips, and hastily began to right myself. Again I'm beginning to stand taller, speak more eloquently and feel the deep joy that comes only from answering my call. My burst of energy after my pursuits has quickly been answered, and I'm righting myself. I can't help but what wonder if I had not let me lose myself for even a moment, but such thoughts I realize are a waste of energy - a step backwards when I am trying to move forward. So here I am, glad to feel elegantly like myself once again, and very sorry to anyone I may have hurt (or more likely, left bewildered).
"For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone." - Audrey Hepburn
