Nothing Left to Say When Creativity Goes Away

What is it I'm supposed to say?
When words elude me
when images slip away?
What is it I'm supposed to do,
when creativity dwindles
and the world fails to give hope
Where did the world go
in which I spent endless hours,
the world I spent dreaming up?
That world I imagined seems so far
Work has separated me from myself
I know not who I am
nor where I am at home
The place I called my own
has slipped away; pushed aside
by corporate monsters who crush
and curse ingenuity, innovation
The retail villainy that prides itself
on sameness, breaking individuals
of themselves though it's no disease.

So what can I do?
What is there left to say?
These words evaded me too long
The place I was at home in my mind
fades away, the glimmer of hope dashed.
What is it I'm supposed to say?
I give you a fortnight, no more.
I give you the smallest bit of my soul
and no more.
Oh corporate mongrels,
you cannot steal my spirit,
I remove myself from your pit.
I give you but a fortnight, no more.
This is my farewell, my revelry
My song will return to my mouth
once your hands are loose from round my neck
and my images no more will slip away!

© copyright by Michèle Aimée Lahaie, 2011

Disillusioned Romantic

Romantics swing gently through the night

drifting between stars and dancing across the moon

the glide into dawn, kissing, setting with the sun

Hearts that flutter and swear by the night sky,

that brandish their love as swords, and promise hearts

Souls are promised, words and bands of gold are exchanged

What is all this, done in vain?

The snow we stood in, and swore our hearts

is the same snow that melted around us

as our foresworn hearts stained it red

Romantics though we are, what can words promise?

Every romantic says the same thing

a thousand times over. Swearing to give the moon,

to cut down a thousand men to have my heart

but in the end, its promised to a hundred more girls

What makes any other girls different from me?

Why should I believe any one mans promises

than any other? are they not all the same?

They would give the world to a beauty

that they laid their eyes on. But once she's gone

it's onto the next beauty, swearing the self-same

I would cross the seven seas, I would steal the sun

I would be for you all that your heart could desire!

What are these words that a stricken son utters?!

How can I trust such words I've repeated before

in such fervency and honesty, I must admit.

I never spoke untruths when I spake such words

but I feel they've been repeated far too often

by far too many a fool to mean anything at all

I've loved and lost. I've loved ghosts of men that

never actually were. What shadows have I loved!
So were it really love at all? Or weren't it a lie?

This romantic suddenly finds all the solace of love

to be so cold, is love truly still alive and well?

© copyright by Michèle Aimée Lahaie, 2011

It's only broken...

How strange it is
after all these years
we still carry regrets,
all our doubts, our fears
All the things that ached
that broke & brought tears
How odd that we can't let go
just when we think we forgot
we realize that we've only held on
stronger than we ever have before

How strange it is
that we walk about
bearing heavy burdens
bulky weights held so close
to our heart, dragged by chains
All the things we could never let go
Suddenly they're bound tightly around us
We can't let it down. We can't forgive
but how we need to. We hate more than before
We're convinced we hate, but really we're broken.
a love we've bound, and it's more broken than before...

© copyright by Michèle Aimée Lahaie, 2011

Queendom for a Prince.

 
Princes, frogs, gentlemen,
whatever they may be
this heart seems ruptured by each
whether by their love or lack thereof
or even just the mention of such
oh how the Others mock my heart
for wanting a prince, a love, a man
how the Others break my heart
for calling every man I note: Frog.
My heart suddenly feels unwise,
insincere, unlearn'd, never clever.

The drop. and my heart barrels down
down through my chest, through the earth
burying itself far from heavens' light
and disintegrating, decomposing
far from the light of any love
and crumbling under the pressure
Who am I? no, who are they,
They, who discount what my heart sees
They, the Others, who mock the heart
They, who cannot see as I do
but plunder through to blunders
hammering tears from its tender skin
til the delicate tissue of my heart tears

My Queendom for a heart.
A Kingdom for the love of my words.
All the land for the peace of my mind
Ne'er can there be one who fits the bill
It seems there is no prince as they would have
for they would not have anyone for me
No, not a single one at all.
oh the Others seem cruel.
To themselves, wise.
To us, with a smirk, we'd say 'smart'.
How cruel that I must be a hobbit
Tucked away in my hole
without a soul to love as mine.
Cruel enough that I am as unusual
but what casual heartbreak method
that those like myself, I may not see.

© copyright by Michèle Aimée Lahaie, 2011

Cruel fancies

How cruel you are
and how casual it is
Not a thing you recognize
Nothing you realize
You draw me in
You fling me back
Reel me in
Push me away
Beckon me close
Only to throw me
to the ground
A broken yo-yo
I'll be for you no more
How cruel you could be
Your fits and flights of fancy
terrorizing girls hearts
fighting for your affection
never realizing what harm you render
for your cruelty is too subtle
so invisible. so obvious.

You are heartless in your affection
your double-minded affectation
I will be yours no more
No, nevermore
I won't be here
Not when you come 'round
This time I'll sit back
Watch you squirm
Of course life is good for you!
As long as you got your way.
I'll let my heart hurt no more
The yo-yo string has snapped
and I'm rolling off
I've found a new joy!
Bouncing and running
Flying and spinning
Dancing and spiraling
I never knew what tricks I could do
If only without you
If only I was cut loose

© copyright by Michèle Aimée Lahaie, 2011

Creative Fury!

From humble beginnings they came
filled with fury, drive and passion
Love unparalleled, passion unmatched
Talent? Unbridled.
They could not be trapped
Could not, would not be tamed.
A heart that teems with creativity
comes with a mad mind,
screaming to be heard,
writing like mad to be heard,
painting, creating to be known.

What icon could be stopped?
What master would be restrained?
None, for they would not have been.
A fury for life, love and creativity
They would not be told no
they would not be controlled by those
who claimed to have a heart in love
Who would stay their wild hearts
for someone who wants to cage them
to tame them with so-called 'love'?
A heart so wild could never feel loved
A spirit like that would lash out in force

Wild abandon is what keeps us.
What would Coco be if tamed?
How could Dali have hidden the bizarre?
And how could I be kept down
when I feel only fury burning inside me
with every moment I am told 'no'
with every moment I am judged for my need
to create. to spin wild tales. to run free.
How could I stay calm when objection says
You base your worth on futile things.
Not my worth, dear fool.
Were your every pore seeping with this energy
you would understand,
You would step aside

© copyright by Michèle Aimée Lahaie, 2011

Winter.

In a rush it finally arrived
A winter of your love
A december of you
Such a fresh breath
to breathe in that crisp air
a sting in my lungs
a frost in my mind
You became frozen
a piece of me thats gone
The you that goes forgotten

I find love in this winter,
the beauty this snow has brought
How I love it so!
I left you behind,
frozen in the recesses of my mind
not soon to be thawed out
by the light of May
or the warmth of June
You're the frozen ground
I tread under my feet
You will not shake me.

© copyright by Michèle Aimée Lahaie, 2011

Love's Ghost

Breathe in love's ghost
A sharp breath.
A broken addiction.

A love that is taken
is a heart split in two.

A love split is a heart that rattles,
the pieces clanking inside.

Breathe in the ghost of my heart
Ghosts you have become.
Invisible to yourself, to me.
Hidden away in grasses too tall

Escaping under a blanket like the sea
Endless expanse, a vast ocean
that never leaves me cold or wet
that takes me far from the ghosts of all

But ghosts with souls not unlinked
find a way back to one another...

Love's ghosts cross blanketing seas
but burst bubbles of warmth

Oh spektors' kiss, you leave me cold!
Love's ghost is not so warm.
Love's ghost is worn and lovelorn...

© copyright by Michèle Aimée Lahaie, 2011

Caves of the Soul

A lonesome fear crawls through my soul
burrowing through craters of love-lust,
A battered, broken spirit huddled away
shudders at the smell of loneliness,
it's breath caught in momentary shock

It seems want of solitude and loneliness battle
Absolute contentment makes me a hermit
wanting to be far from all man and life
While a fear of loneliness burrows past
frightening me with close encounters

Weary and cold, it seems my blood stills
The course in my veins has ceased,
my poor heart loath to see another tear
churned forth from the fountain in me
Let the fountain in my soul be settled!

© copyright by Michèle Aimée Lahaie, 2011

Night's Knight

A small fracture cracks and ripples slowly
tearing pinches at a time through a fragile vessel
The blood pumps in techno bursts, throbb. throbb.

I've hidden my face for the night, buried in the sounds
covered in paints, hidden in the cloak of nights sorrow
The howls in the air mask the silent groans of the heart

I hear only your music drifting from miles to my ear
So much do I long to know answers unknown that
my mind begins to imagine them as in drunken stupor

Though just hours before my mind was weaving diligently
Weaving my thoughts and the threads of the heart back
back together as one, back together to make it whole

The sounds of mischievous stars winking from the sky
unravelled my mind and set it spinning, the spindle broken
In twists and jerks my body moves. mechanical. untrained.

My eyes try to learn to see, but the blur of tears restrains them
my heart has been so shy, yet you, shy as well, coaxed it forth
only to become frightened, overwhelmed by nights light, to run...

Hide not your face, for mine is already hidden away with sorrow!
Don't run from me -- I've already run. We run from the very same
Can we keep running from the same thing? and keep seeking the same?

A shudder tears through my spine, sending me back to your arms
I'm caught up by your grace and am overcome with your sanctuary
How is it you are so protective of me when my very fears frighten you?

A sense of chivalry breaks tragedy, the shell cracks and breaks away
Your fears nulled by an overwhelming love, a desire to tend to ladylove
Oh knight, break your fears of night, and ride with me to dawns light...

© copyright by Michèle Aimée Lahaie, 2011

Cages of Constraint

The haze that clouds your eyes gives you away
Though your thoughts hide behind fogged lens
I fear I see the terror separate us once more
My fears activate yours; yours send you running
I meant not to frighten you. I know your fears.

I could never stand to have you if you felt you 'must' love
Let not my heart constrain you, trap you in a cage.
No, what love would imprison another?
Your very terror of constraint restrains your love
Yet when your love is near, it runs free as it should!

You poured your terror before me, spilled freely as blood
Then the wounds of We, Must, and obligation were cleansed
After fortnights of imprisoning yourself, you were free
The walls crumbled, and the moment that was meant to end
proved not to be an end, but a beginning, doubly refreshed

But with that awakening came a new confusion. What now?
Was that not an end? Was it naught? Why begins it anew?
Fie on constraints! A limitation of the mind on the heart
A lock to terrorize, frighten away something untainted, pure
My heart never meant to cause you fear, to become a cage...

© copyright by Michèle Aimée Lahaie, 2011

Beyond Our Fingertips

I wonder if what I long for
if what I ask is unreasonable
Is a longing so deep, really a fault?
Something that not only lingers
but carries on so strong, can it be
a lie? or truth. Should I carry
so deep a desire, undying
a flame that burns hotter
a fire that consumes me
Is it something to be quenched?
Put out? or encouraged on.

The answers I wish I knew
They seem to be within reach
just beyond my fingertips
yet I'm too impatient
I want, I need, I must know!
We've always longed this way
and now it grows untamed
unstoppable in our hearts
If only those around us shared
that same burning desire
all would be well
but the complacency
makes our unfettered imaginations
- our dreams larger than life itself! -
seem petty, and material.

What have I done?

What has become of our dreams?

Where we are is nowhere,

our dreams grow stronger, 

our longing harsh, stinging like nettles

My breath freezes hot in my mouth

My tears dry in my throat

My dreams are faded, but stronger

No restraint holds us back from 

longing. wishing. hoping for

all that we want

But it is just beyond our fingertips

just out of our grasp,

and the complacency of the world

tries to drown us out, to wash us 

clean of all we want.

Is is really so unreasonable....?

© copyright by Michèle Aimée Lahaie, 2011

Everything in Every Room

You are everything in every room I've ever been
Every memory that will never wear thin
You are all my memories I tie to strands of time
All the memories I bind to chords of my mind

You are my tears when my eyes run dry
The hope in my heart when I'm terrified
You are the art of my soul when I dream no more
The blood in my veins when I break to my core

© copyright by Michèle Aimée Lahaie, 2011

Aiskhulos

I think of you often
I think it haunts me what I've done
Many times I've begun to write to you
Thoughts of your grief pester my heart,
The words I wish to tell itch in my mind
But the fear keeps my hands from writing

Not one blot of ink leaves my pen,
Not one word could make it to you.
The ghosts of your questions linger here
You faced apparitions of me and
waited for letters that ended with my name,
those letters that never came

My heart could fast be destroyed
in so simple as one delicate stroke
Your hand was much too hard
brute elegance left me scattered
I became as an apparition
I hid my heart in terror of your voice

Those letters that wrote themselves inside
always were quick to burn themselves
My apology may never reach you,
My letter will never make it to your hands
I still find myself too terrified of you
of what you'd do...

© copyright by Michèle Aimée Lahaie, 2011

Evaporate Me.

My stomach is sick
churning with thoughts of you
As I see all I hoped for
dissolve
in one fatal utterance
a future split
I feel the fear rise in my throat
as the tears trickle back
and my head falls forward
I feel myself dissolving
dissipating
evaporating before you
as my heart bursts
the very fabric of my life
coming together
rips apart
Sewn together as one
we'll once again be two
My eyes prick with regret
I feel my cheeks grow hot
What just was gained
I now fear will be lost
So soon?
Must it be already?
I've only just gained you
and can't swallow the
idea that I'll lose you so soon

© copyright by Michèle Aimée Lahaie, 2011

Within

There is one who makes my soul awake
one who wakes my dreams from sleep
There is one who weeps with me
but makes my sorrows part from within

You are the one who makes me more
more than I remembered I wanted to be
Your heart is half of mine, and without it
I lived half-hearted, shy dancer in the dark

My feet were made to dance when you lit my toes
We dance through the fire together, unafraid
With your hand in mine, I forgot the fear,
plunged into dream-filled fits, creative fervor

When sorrows tore at my breaking heart
you held it close, mending it so tenderly
You wept with me til we grew tired of tears
and in your arms, we laughed as if one

The terrors of night crumbled in our eyes
plaster from eyelids, ashes dusting from lashes
Dreams grew bright until day wore dim
and life grew stronger without from within

© copyright by Michèle Aimée Lahaie, 2011

Dreamless Void

There was something about my bleeding heart,
my broken soul as moody as the changing sky
How I've tried to ignore this endless, languishing sorrow
but it always makes itself known to me all the more

Just as the skies roll with thunder, and gleam
with the breaking sunlight, so my heart rumbles
and thunders and breaks, while my lips shine
with a smile not to be subverted or be undone

Without warning, from the fracture comes the break
Watch how the tears come flooding! a deluge
of heartbreak, of pitiable wretchedness, a fractured
heart brimming with undiluted brokenness

So long were hopes caught as falling stars!
Everlong was sorrow put off in favor of hopes
and dreams urgently awaiting to be fulfilled,
fingers streaming with stories urging to be writ

As a virus, an illness that slowly overtakes the body
a lacuna formed between hopes and dreams and
all that was, until the gap grew. The interruption
became an all-embracing void, a starless, dreamless pit...

© copyright by Michèle Aimée Lahaie, 2011

Guardian of [my] Dreams

Spectres haunt shadow hearts
Sugar coated dreams grow wilder
Every moment I have with you
the realm of dreams grows wider
A collision of waking and sleeping

Make it easy for me darling
let me wake up from you, from
the waking dream you've come to be
My heart has grown to bursting,
not with love, but stories, dreams

The stories that come streaming
The tales my waking dreams weave
all for you they come, and faster still
I love you not, but the stories will
I fear love, for that dreams do kill

Make a sugar-coated dream of me
and let me go, free me, let me be
In dreams I'll remember, I'll stay as me
I'll remember you so sweetly in mine too
Ideas that thoughts of you weave, stay sweet

Frightened by last nights nightmare terror
I find my heart afraid, to both gain and lose you
I won't lose my stories and what my life promises!
But I daren't let you go so soon, for you became
the muse to my ear, the guardian of my dreams

© copyright by Michèle Aimée Lahaie, 2011

Derailed

What you are to me
    is not real, is not true
       just a story my heart
          tells
when it lies to me

I wish you knew me
  as I wish I knew you
      But my heart has these
         ridiculous,
empty pleas

Your voice, heartbeat
   make me fall in love
      but who you will be
         is not
the man I need

I wish sometimes
   with all my empty love
      and my bleeding heart
         that you
were the one for me

Oh your songs to me
   and your voice in my dreams
       are so sweet.
The way you hold me tight
     and kiss me in my sleep

The way you wish you could keep me
     hidden, safe,
         tucked in your pocket like a perfect pet
The way you dream of me,
     when you're asleep
         when you're awake

I wish it were all real.

But I'm not real for you.
   my future, your terrifying dream.
You're not real for me.
   you're my waking dream

What you are to me

    is not real, is not true

       just a story my heart 

          tells 

when it lies to me

I wish I knew what 

    I wanted you to be

        I wish I could find

           a way 

to say goodbye, or hello

Your voice sang to me

   all I ever need

      your breath is all 

         I ever 

want to feel.

I wish it was you

   but we weren't meant

      for each other.

         I can't love

myself. So how could I love you?

You've never known love

     Terrified of the very thing

        that our hearts are tending towards

          With no way

to stop this train, we're waiting to get derailed...

© copyright by Michèle Aimée Lahaie, 2011

The Shadow Ballet

In sleeping dust do playful shadows stir,
within the static they flicker; fierce, patient.
The breath of a step is as a voice that beckons,
the recognition of the anxious, delicate dance

Settled in the dust, shadow dreams of play linger
An ethereal ballet waiting to take stage, waiting,
waiting everlong for the shyest glimmer of light
The pitch darkness is as melancholy to shadow,
a despondency long overdue to be snuffed out

A rush of air, and a flood of empyrean light
sends the shadows to a frenzy, a lively dance
far separated from the lachrymose existence
no longer a laconic reply, but a rush of endless thougts

Oh the shadows that play in the corners of my mind
The thoughts that threaten to pull delicate threads
Would ignoble thoughts make their way through
to bring ache to a heart both vulnerable and unaware?

Leave the static pain as it were, disturb it not
That they would die into shadows that dare not dance
Let only euphoria be beckoned awake to its rare ballet
far from melancholy we were not meant to know

© copyright by Michèle Aimée Lahaie, 2011

Control vs. The Fates

Along this road,
my path was adjusted somewhere.
These are so many months of nothing,
months spent going in the wrong direction...
Where did I go wrong? Is it wrong?
Somewhere along the way, the road split.
I never noticed. And there I met you

You were never supposed to stay
you were never meant to come back
but somehow our paths crossed again
I found you at my doorstep once more
--two and three times more than expected!
Our paths are not aligned, only crossed
oh but crossed as star-crossed lovers!

Leave me please, no don't try to stay
So far it's thrice caused my heart pain
What can I say of your charm?
What can I ay against your loving kiss?
Though you are none of what my life requires
My heart finds you irresistible, ever kissable
but elusive, impossible to catch hold of
-and so difficult to love.

Your love breaks me. Makes me what?
Does it make me stronger? better? lovelier?
I think not. I feel as unlovely as ever.
It was not my path that was adjusted
It was yours. You altered your path
You made sure to land at my doorstep
oh yes, just once more. and then again.

You could not stay away - but cannot stay
Though you could manipulate your path
it was only temporarily. Another collision.
For a moment it lasted, but the moment? gone.
And with that moment, you are as gone too.
I know you'll come back soon, try to change things.
Adjust that path, try to cross the fates once more
But I'll be gone.

Why would you fight for control? Not love.
Oh so you said - it was not love, but control.
My heart broke at once - shattered thrice more.
How could I give you my heart this time?
How could I offer to let you in, without love,
and only with want for control. I never had you.
I never had your love - only your attention

I ensnared your thoughts in fantasy with words I wrote
and I? equally enraptured by you. until you broke the illusion
You broke the beauty and I looked through the mirror
and saw the danger that was in store. How it scared me!
It terrified me, more than I knew before! Would that be me?
Would that life be mine if I fought the fates for your love?
Not love at all, and not my life. All I dreamed of would be gone!

Go from me, dear heart. and speak not of your love or control.
Leave, back to your path. Make your own path, and I, mine.
Manipulate your path all you like, but dare not touch mine.
I will fight the fates on my own terms - with love and spirit
and not by the chances brought me by your lust for control...

© copyright by Michèle Aimée Lahaie, 2011

Unforgotten Dream

Like an unforgotten dream, he remains
The dream lingers, for I refuse to let go
If only I'll remember, hold tight, the dream will carry
but the memory fades, and I struggle to make out his face
Oh like a dream his face was, dreaming as all
His eyes enrapt by many a dream by others unseen,
so distant - yes, far away, but present, and so close to me
In his eyes he let me share his dreams, carried me far
Now his eyes are long gone - were the blue? brown?
His scent drifts past me at times, yet I find him not
Oh half-remembered dream, the way he was
was he ever real at all? Or did I dream him too?
I can scarce tell dream from the real
and now as the memory of him fades-
-just as dreams fade into morning light,
I wonder, did I dream this unforgotten boy?
did I ever know him at all?

© copyright by Michèle Aimée Lahaie, 2011

We need never be hopeless

I read it. all of it.
If it were possible to inhale words,
then one might say I inhaled the book
It was the book he had so begged me to read
before we disappeared, just as they had from the pages
And so it seemed, that I was just as she,
and perhaps he was no less than he.
The words on the pages spoke all
they revealed his very heart
his every essence.
So it goes, and so he is gone
gone as the words on the pages are here.
and I know what and why, without knowing anything at all.
But though I chose to put my thoughts to rest,
those words churned the dregs awake
and gave me final ease
in a way my heart against mind had not.
Perhaps he never knew, or never heard, and never will
but perhaps he chose in a way that was best.
It all happened so fast, a forced choice,
but now I choose more than drive,
more than a decision, is peace.
But I have stepped from my wearying maze,
with my heart calm, I know all is forgiven with me.
So gracefully, I lay it aside, knowing my energy has not left me.
Things were done and undone
and he would have been proud at the tears
all the tears I cried and spilled over the pages all at once
and I admit I loved my crooked neighbor
with all my crooked heart...

© copyright by Michèle Aimée Lahaie, 2011
(homage)