Bitter cold

I feel a rage of winter

It has struck me

Though I am in midst of summer

My skin roasting under the sun

 

I’ve felt a storm of hail

It strikes wicked,

And breaks my heart

All while suns ray please my skin

 

Such rage! Such anguish!

Why do I feel cold wrath

When life outward is so sunny?

Why are others so cold, though I am warm?

 

My warm demeanor

Is not hot enough

To melt their icy stares

Or to thaw out their frozen hearts

 

My warm smiles cannot

Take away the ice shards,

The frozen shrapnel of words

With which they pierce my heart

 

I feel my heart shudder

And my body shakes

A diamond has melted,

My eye sheds a precious jewel

 

Their cold strikes me

And my warmth turns to crystal

In a shower of glass

Shards spill from my eyes

 

I gather the spilled stones

The precious diamonds they were

And find they are worthless

I have broken over naught

 

A wind blows the sand-dust diamonds

From my grasp

And I am left alone,

With nothing at last

 

So long did I struggle!
Oh how did I fight

Why did I lavish precious time?

I was not worth a crystalline moment

 

So I begin anew

And warm my smile

With suns gracious gaze

Replacing cold with heat

 

As I gaze into blue sky

I know my warmth

will be restored

I’ll find new diamonds inside

© copyright by Michèle Aimée Lahaie, 2009

If.

If I could ask one thing,

I would borrow the ocean,

for even the deepest sea 

could not hold 

all the tears I shed

If I could have one thing,

I would ask to keep the sky.

There I would spread the stars,

pieces of my soul, to tell the world my tales

for the earth could not hold the stories I have to tell

If I could keep the earth, the soil,

I would plant all my cares

for all the dirt in the world

would  better hold my sorrows

than my soul, and this small body I keep

If I could keep the sun,

I would hide my love in it

for I am sure 

my love burns evermore fiercely

than the sun ever could

If my life could be a song

My soul would sing

and my spirit would sound

with more passion

than any instrument ever could

If my eyes were like the moon

they would be more shy

and still more sly

than the pale moons gaze 

across the earth has yet been

But my life is just a whisper

my spirit is as the breeze,

I burn with passion like fire

I weep like the clouds,

My life will come and go

I am like the stars,

my life will burn as bright

and sometimes sparkle as dim.

Though little among many,

I burn with all my might

© copyright by Michèle Aimée Lahaie, 2009

Unbridled

Some nights the words seem not to flow

and my thoughts never seem to form

My mind cannot think

and my hands cannot write

My heart so overwhelmed with things

with love, distress and misery

My spirit pours forth in floods

yet my soul cannot grasp it at all

Why can I not communicate with my Self?

Why can one feel and the other not understand?

Who is this Self that show and cannot tell?

And the other half that can barely tell at all?

A compromise at least!

Only then will come prose like revelry!

But my heart and mind have not met

My spirit and my soul remain unacquainted

Burdens so great!

And words so few...

It is the difference between a great rainfall

and the softest morning dew...

Tell of my love

and tell of it all

Speak! O heart,

Write! dear hands!

Feel all you do,

Speak as unbridled as you feel!

Understand,

Tell without restraint, all you now know

© copyright by Michèle Aimée Lahaie, 2009

A Long Time

It's been so long

such a long while

since I've seen that life

since I've kissed that smile

It's been so long

long, and far

since I've seen that smile

and felt that warmth

I miss those hands

tender and strong

Those blue flamed eyes-

burned in my mind, everlong

I miss his yellow hair

The softness of his skin

I miss his scent,

The love his lips held in

It's been so long

but soon I felt his arms

wrap warm round me

I felt that fire, that flame

His arms were still so warm

and his heart still so alive

though his eyes only flickered

I felt my love fan the flame

Cool summer night came

and so did he-

with open heart,

arms ready to wrap round me

Though he seemed at first to resist,

before night had gone too long

he came to hold me close,

-I felt safe in his arms so strong

Though he's gone, once again

I find he calls on me.

I wonder if he'll soon return;

If anew, his love will blaze for me

It's been so long,

So long indeed

But I see him return

I know he comes for me

-Beloved

© copyright by Michèle Aimée Lahaie, 2009

Something I read...

Sorry I haven't written in a few days. I've been in a moving process, and haven' yet had internet... or time to write, really. My family is up to visit too, which is nice :) Time to vacation out here on the beach and just roast, be carefree and do things I would never do without them! (Including going to an aquarium tomorrow, and bumming around some art museums I've been wanting to get to! Yes, I'm excited^^)

I was at the bookstore today with them - and I ran across a poem that really struck me. It's called Kindness by Naomi Shihab Nye. Here's a quote from it:

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.

Must I say why this was hit me?

Because I've felt the future dissolve in a moment.

I've felt everything go.

All of this, I have felt as of late,

and all of this has taught me new things,

it has brought me beyond despair, hate,

has made me not to hope

but to learn new faith.

I have learned to see with new eyes

eyes not my own

I have learned to be outside myself

and see what others cannot

I can see what I should not.

I see life, where I thought there was naught.

So to all who have loved and lost, or had a future and find none, or who had life and now face death -

have faith! Hold strong! This midnight adventure has just begun...

A Memory of a Man...

The walls are stained

the door is cracked and broken

it swings, creaks on its hinges

I thought I had forgot this place

But it seems abandoned,

that I never knew it at all

From the walls

comes a stench i know

but one I can barely recognize

I smell a sweet stench

one that was once sweet with love,

now is foul - the smell of inadequacy

A breeze passes through the house

and the dust flies round my face

Dust's lonely abandon touches my face

Rust bleeds from the hinges,

like tears, crying down the frame

Deep red stains defile the once majestic door

The floor is cracked,

the beautiful wood, stained and broken

the very foundation seems to fall apart

The once glorious chandelier

has torn through the ceiling

and has broken to shards on the floor

I hear a whisper

I feel a touch

I remember, and I know.....

I know his hands,

I miss his eyes

I know this man who isn't there...

I close my eyes as I remember...

I remember his touch and I see

his blue-flamed eyes clear out of memory's haze

I open my eyes, to find

I'm standing in the house

The majestic mansion as it once was

The man who had disappeared

is there once again

His eyes, bright with love

He shows me the door,

how grand the deep wood is

and how rich the details are

He takes me by one hand

and wraps his other round my waist

as he guides me up the spiral staircase

At the top of winding beauty

He shows me the delicate,

and most intricate crystal chandelier

He leads me through the dining hall

and to the living room

where a plush, regal couch seems so inviting

He shows me the gloriously carved ceiling

and the sleek wood floors

and glass blown decor

He presses my waist with his hand

and leads me to the bedroom

and I remember our room

As I look on the bed

I remember all my past

All he was, all the life he had

I remember how I knew him

My eyes well up, and he disappears

as I look through him

I look up,

back in the living room

and see a dying tree, its withered leaves

The man has disappeared

I am left alone

and my heart fills with despair

But a whisper comes in my ear

as I see all that was broken through the house

and he whispers a secret, a hope,

'I'm returning to you,

My foundation is in repair

and when I come, so much more will I be'

I turn to leave the house,

and as I walk down the garden path

A single snap-dragon blossoms

It winks at me

and whispers

'Don't yet give up hope'....

© copyright by Michèle Aimée Lahaie, 2009

the Painter in me

For starters, let me go ahead and introduce part of me whose works have not been seen through this digital window into my life - I am a painter. I can't show my paintings on here yet - but lately God has just overwhelmed me with the desire to paint ALL the time!! I'm constantly painting - and I've gained so much new everything in it! I get woken at 2 and 3 in the morning with wild visions that I know I need to paint. So I get up, draw them out and go back to bed. Soon after, I start painting them. This has happened each night for the past 3 or 4 nights now. I can't keep up with my dreams! I can't paint fast enough! And I'm actually painting on big canvases now, going all out, and spending amazing time in each one. Oh it's fantastic. 

I was listening to someone today. James Goll. and what he said was this (about his daughter) : 'the more secure she became in her identity in Christ for herself, that was when creativity exploded in her life'. And I realized, WOW, this is exactly what's been happening to me in my painting! What I need to do now, is to trust Him that He will meet me where I've come, (Ive come where he has told me), and ask Him to fulfill His promises, to bless my writing. Then let's see how my screenplays flourish! Sound good? Yes? Perfect!

Here's the link to him and his daughters talking about these things: 

http://www.xpmedia.com/media_prayer/gma_teaching04.mp4

Come away

A longing plucks at my heart
pulling strings
as if to play a love song

'Come away with me '
it says to me
'Come away, run free '

A new desire - how it burns!
it burns in my soul
it has pierced me, oh I yearn!

A new freedom has engaged
and is calling for me to run
away from the world at which Im enraged

A nearness and newness
is testing my spirit
as I turn my back on what is ruinous

'Come! Come away!
Come away with me
You, I will not betray '

Tis a better promise ahead
so I follow that road
it is narrow, not oft tread

'Beloved, I tell you,
Come, stay with me
And keep your heart true '

'My beloved, Forget me not
Follow me true
Only peace have I brought '

I follow my lover
and I cling to His rest
I will not have another

'So come away with me
Follow my Spirit '
-I'm coming Lover, with You I will be.

© copyright by Michèle Aimée Lahaie, 2009

Secrets of Words

I send my words

out into a great nothing

a garble of a million more words

I wonder, as I scream

if anyone is there

anyone to hear me cry

My words are empty

my cries are useless

My thoughts run round themselves

Who am I that anyone would hear?

Who am I that I should beg?

and who am I that I would be rescued?

I am always surprised

Shocked at my own words

I never realize I feel so much

At times I wonder who she is

who I am

that writes these anxious words

I, not she, feel peace and calm,

but she, she is rife with unrest

I must be rid of her!

Then... I find despair dashing wild,

wild across the screen

She, not I, has sent another set of words into oblivion

© copyright by Michèle Aimée Lahaie, 2009

Stop motion hearts

Here is a short stop motion film I directed a few months ago. I did this for my directing class - I would like some different music for it (because I don't have rights to it) (and thats why I used a song that isn't mine - it was a class project). I had alot of fun with this project, and alot of heartache over it too.

but! Enjoy my stop motion and my painting :)

http://vimeo.com/4630233

-Beloved

Loved and lost

They say tis better

to have loved 

and to have lost

than never to have loved at all

Yet here am I

To my depths, weary

My face long not dry

My mind tossed by storms

Paint covers me

salty tears

and acrylic paints

blend on canvas

My hands blur

through colors

My face color-smeared

My canvas, painted with tears

How could I agree?

How can I say

Indeed, I am better since I have loved

When my heart cries otherwise?

My heart almost wishes

not to have known 

such a man as he

and knowing I have him not

My mind wishes

I had only dreamed of he

and waited for perfect entrance

rather than to have lost him

He is not an ideal

Never was he perfect

But he fit my spirit

and longed to know my heart

Not romanticized

not without fault

but he loved my all

His heart, a prince's after a princess

He endured storms

He weathered trials

and fought for me

rescued me from the dragons

No, not romanticized in my mind,

I tell you! But a valiant heart

and a noble spirit

My handsome prince

Yea, I am glad he rescued me

that he was there

that he loved me all

and he kept me safe

But alas, to have loved

and to have lost such a one

I am fraught with lamentation

I am weighed with an ocean of tears...

© copyright by Michèle Aimée Lahaie, 2009

Lonely Sunset

Sun's beams 

rest warm on my eyes

With every flutter

My lashes embrace orange rays 

My spirit is warm,

warmed by all I see

My mind is calm,

wanders where it likes

Yet my skin lay cool

The breeze is crisp,

my body is alone,

no warm arms around me

A sad song plays,

a song that reminds me

of happier days,

of less lonely ways

A flood of memories

As I watch the skies

comes sloshing like the sea

and pricks tears in my eyes

I remember you

I can't forget 

All we would do...

I wait for you yet

© copyright by Michèle Aimée Lahaie, 2009

ever-inspired by gypsies

For those of you who have followed my other blog, and with as much prose and other thoughts as I have written lately, the next comment may not make sense: Today is the first time in a long time I've been inspired to write.

It's been awhile that I've been a writer who hasn't done any writing.

Over the past several weeks, I finally started gained back the passion that I've obviously needed. I was finally able to discipline myself to sit down and write, and then things began to flow freely, and I found my fingers guiding themselves across keys; I've found, pen in hand, that the ink has begun to glide smoothly across the page again and come up with some beauty - even if only in ink blots at a time.

Today, while at work, I decided I needed to listen to something that would inspire me - and I searched out the same thing that always has. Gypsy (or gypsy-inspired) music. I rediscovered DeVotchka and Beirut - indie bands with a gypsy flavor. Thank you Pandora! I love pandora radio - constantly expanding my limited realization of what is out there. ahh, my story-hand is finding peace again. I have to laugh - my arm has been hurting so bad, so I've not wanted to write. But now that I'm writing, my arm has ceased to hurt whatsoever. Sweet irony.

I found Beiruts Postcards From Italy to be particularly enchanting.

Ah, I find myself rambling. The reason I say all this, is because I had begun a screenplay a few months ago -- a non-linear piece -- and I ended up feeling like a leg-less chicken. I was stumped. (Yes, bad joke. I love those sometimes ;) Needless to say, it hasn't gone anywhere for a long time. Except in hiding at the back of my desk. For some reason I remembered it today, and felt compelled to grab it on my way out to work this morning. I turned on said music - and I wrote! All day! Little bits at a time, but I'm writing again! I was so close to despairing on myself - thinking what a failed writer I must be if I cannot even come up with a simple story. But now! Now I have one a bit more complex, a beautiful, twisted love story :) Cross your fingers as I work on it this summer!

Postcards from somewhen and nowhere

As my other blog seemed too restricting for my tastes, I've decided to bring another into existence. I hope this one will better express all the inner colors and sounds and workings of my soul to the page. Alright, so that sounds a bit pompous ;) I wanted something a bit freer, more pliable (and more colorful!) to jot my thoughts down on. Here I'll hopefully have more than just writings - maybe even pictures and such things! (So far I've been too lazy to, I suppose).

With that said - welcome! I hope you guys will continue to follow my writing endeavors, my random spur-of-the-moment, straight-to-blog prose, and such things.

thanks!

-Beloved